i’m, like, totally american
i’m not american, but sometimes it sounds like i’m trying to be - and i don’t care anymore.
sure, maybe i did care in the past when we were experimenting with our digital cool on icq, then yahoo messenger. but my speech has been evolving for years, with each nuance learned online becoming a part of my identity: i say ‘like’ more than an 80s valley girl, pronounce ‘adult’ with american cadence - i even say 'sure' now.
and now i write in american english. i don't know, it feels cleaner to me, more right.
i never had problems with writing - i was reading before i could speak. perhaps that’s why i never had a desire to belong to a group, to be popular.
though as i work through my feelings, trying to make sense of a short breath here or a queasy stomach there, i yearn to be part of something. not just myself, of course, but something bigger.
writing here in a small community is a good start, and a great fit for me - an indie hermit. i feel like i'm making progress in belonging. i love that word, belonging - a longing to be, a longing to be seen and accepted.
so it makes sense for me to lean into american culture, american spelling, not only because i grew up with mtv late-night american alt-rock trickling onto my suburban tv set, but because through a shared online culture, i belong.
i want to be an online american. i am an online american.