offer me solutions, offer me alternatives
and i decline.
you’re writing this as you listen to ‘end of the world’ by r.e.m on repeat. it used to be one of your party tricks - being able to sing this flawlessly.
the original post you wrote for this subject - the mastering of a skill and habit, just to break it - felt stale. a vague connection to your father, a detailed listing of habits, and a final clever callback to the first paragraph.
boring, predictable. a shallow attempt at justifying you breaking the habit of blogging regularly.
you really have no fucking idea why you’re finding it hard to write lately.
what you do know is that you feel angry. you feel angry and there’s very little you can do to fully resolve it. life gives you just enough to release it, like gingerly opening a shaken up coke bottle, so you don’t get your hands sticky.
gaming. tv. social media. chatting online with friends. superficial, passive connections you sometimes indulge in to release fury, bit by bit.
but, it’s not enough. you want to feel unadulterated rage. wrath unleashed.
you dream of going to russia to hang out with your old friend - getting hammered while over-indulging in conversation about girls and songs about camaraderie. the bitter taste of pickles in your throat, chased by the smooth lava of cool vodka - cigarettes piling up in the ashtray.
or going back to the time you visited your friend in china. his wife giving you a guys night out, where you went bar hopping and talked about anything and everything while drinking crisp imported beer - beads rolling down the sides the moment the waiter brought them to your table.
village life is restrictive. you’re polite at work, polite to customers - keep opinions to yourself in public because the place is so fucking small. the highlight of your day was your landlord agreeing to you installing a cat door, which he already knew you wanted to do - of course.
you haven’t been laid in months.
so, why haven’t you been writing. why are you breaking habits you enjoy. why are you being such a pussy.