shy and shampoo
for years you've had dreams where people push you around, take advantage of you. you take it or, rather, you just sort of - go with it.
last night/this morning was particularly brutal. there were two or three instances of persons just taking pieces out of you - in one case, literally.
you went to see the specialist about your stomach. as you were having allergies, his nurse offered to audit your household products for a fee. you told her you were only in the city for the appointment, and she'd be checking your mother's house where you were staying.
she said that was fine, and just took off. she messaged you with the results of your toilet bag and the payment request. you paid - the messages disappeared.
meanwhile, at the specialist, you noticed an old wound on your head, complete with stitches. he took out the stitches, then skin all around. all the while he was kissing your hands.
you departed as quickly as possible. while outside, you ran into the nurse, all dressed up with her friend. they were heading to the club with the money you paid her.
the dream was sealed as prophetic/true, when you realised that it was a new shampoo giving you allergies. you woke up, went to the shower and threw out the shampoo immediately.
if it weren't for the part about the shampoo, you may have dismissed the dream as so many others.
however, it has allowed you to reface an ancient and primal emotion that is so ingrained that when you try to confront it, there is nothing but absence.
insecurity. unconfident. vulnerable - no. shy.
that tickling inside your chest and mind. those fantastical conversations based on an imagined catastrophe. the woman of your dreams asking if you love her.
this is the essence of you. the one emotion you have that drives your whole existence. the emotion, that if you do not embrace it, will limit you, drive regret.
live with the discomfort of heavy tickling. feel it, lean back, breathe, know it's a part of you.