my attention is a pinball in my head
my friends and i used to go to the arcade most saturdays - we'd really only play the same four games, including one pinball machine: star trek - the next generation.
one of the best feelings was balancing three or four balls at a time - but what was truly satisfying was maneuvering a ball into a hole for a bonus you were after.
the way it 'thunked' into the hole, slightly rattling as it came to rest, the bonus lighting up - i felt like a god.
this morning i woke up completely scattered - i'd had little sleep after a long day yesterday, and the cat deciding to bathe itself next to my head at 5am didn't help.
my attention felt like a pinball bouncing around in my head, buffering instantly off one thought to the next.
after my morning routine, i wasn't getting any better - i messaged work - i'll be late
i sat on the couch, complete silence in an otherwise hectic 24 hours.
suddenly, without any real effort, i honed in on the pinball and led it to rattle in place - a place directly in the center of my head - a line drawn from between my eyes and nose.
i was composed.
my attention tried to wander, but i gently put it back in its place - no judgement, no anything actually.
i'll talk more about this rediscovered focus soon, but for the moment, i'm too grateful to grieve for the unattended moments in my life.
i just feel like a god, lighting up that bonus.