picking fights
you woke up this morning in a crappy mood. with your emotions coming to the surface, your dreams have been - intense - sleep lowering inhibitions even more. covering every genre, even the sounds are intense.
last night you heard two loud knocks on your bedroom door, startling you awake. you stared at the door for a moment. nothing. you looked over at your cat lying dead asleep on your comforter.
the night before, you heard your father yelling out your name, as clear as if he were outside your window. also woke you up.
there’s probably deeply psychological shit going on with those particular sounds manifesting, but in a sleep-deprived state, you’re beyond caring.
yesterday morning, you came to work early. you stole your friend’s parking spot. he’s parked there for two years - he starts on the dot, leaves on the dot, does the same shit day in, day out. he didn’t say ‘boo.’
this morning you rang a supplier you’d be putting off. some old guy who has ‘done business this way for 45 years.’ you were curt and rude with him. he backed off immediately.
you started writing this post because you know you’re frustrated with the lack of change around you. people who stay in one mindset.
it’s frustrating they didn’t put up a fight. like that scene in ‘fight club’ where the guy is spraying people with a hose, trying to get them to punch him.
honestly, you’re not sure why it all bothers you so much. is it because you see yourself in people with no ambition, no passion. the you from 10 years ago.
or is it because you’re plateauing. fucking fraying at the edges. your emotions are surfacing, steadily. but it’s maddening - why can’t you just start feeling everything now - you’ve put in so much work.
you wish you could wake up a year from now - healed. feeling.