pausing at the door
not so long ago you weren’t afraid to write. you would spend hours polishing a piece - like aladdin trying to get a shine on the lamp without awakening the genie. you were excited to post that polished keepsake.
now you hesitate.
but, it’s not just writing, it’s everything in life that is good for you. going for a run, writing a report, emailing a friend.
the hesitation isn’t new - you’ve always called it a ‘block’ - but the noticing of the feeling is new.
you first noticed it a year ago, the physical manifestation of that block. the best way you could explain it is a recoil - in the face and the chest.
it happened one morning when you were actually getting to work on time for a change - a good thing. as you went to lock the door your head tilted slightly back and your eyes tightened. you felt a weight on your chest coming from the front - like a large, heavy iron plate had been lowered onto you - your breathing stopped.
at that moment, you made any excuse not to be on time. the gas was on. the bed wasn’t made perfectly. the toilet wasn’t flushed. things you knew weren’t true.
relenting, you went to check the gas. it was off, of course. you were one minute late for work.
the year following has been hard. while meditating you’ve brought up this block, tried to integrate the emotions. you’ve ruminated for hours on childhood traumas that caused it. tried supplements, pharmaceuticals.
all you can do is keep going. the progress is slow, but you’re getting there.
you’re not trying to push through the block - you’re integrating it.