maybe i forgot her birthday
yesterday was míriam’s birthday. i thought about it this morning, and the day before, but not yesterday. we've been broken up for a few months - but four weeks ago, she told me never to contact her again.
shortly after, i started this blog.
her birthday was hectic, a day where i worked straight through, stopping only for a rushed chicken sandwich.
i went to the bar later to decompress, chatted with some people over a beer. what’s bothering me today is that they did ask about míriam, asked how old she was. i remember now that i paused for a moment, recalled her age, then suddenly corrected myself by a year.
how did i not realize it was her birthday? it didn’t even surface in my mind until five minutes after midnight in her time zone - my morning, shattered.
and that’s what’s giving me an intense sense of disquiet that i can’t seem to resolve - like a blank where emotion should be - a regret too large to comprehend, or something i'm shielding myself from.
i clearly still love míriam deeply, but how could yesterday just be a void. did my mind try to protect my soul? is it trying to help me -
maybe there’s something else at work - maybe she’ll wonder why i didn’t say anything. maybe she’ll reach out. maybe we’ll be together again.
maybe i was just preoccupied - and i’ve still got a long way to go toward not being a prick. maybe i always will be.