being present in the chill
though i thought i hated the cold, it has been there when i needed it most. from a child to now, it has been ever present and helpful.
some of my most depressing times were when i lived in mongolia. often lonely, out of my culture, i would spend a lot of time at home, or out with friends when that got too hard.
mongolia is cold, even when it isn't. i'm grateful for the cool summer evenings where i would inevitably force myself to get up from the couch and head to the balcony for a smoke. the cold tiles and fresh breeze would bring me back to the world, even if it were to realise that i had been sad.
and out with 'friends' on a cold winter's night, getting drunker and drunker, i would have to step out for a smoke. that meant getting at least my coat and making my way through the crowds coming and going. -25c will wake up anyone, no matter how drunk and 'happy' - you're on a dark street at the top of the world - what are you doing.
and now?, winter has set in here. and with it, i've a routine of waking up early and going outside for a coffee. the ritual now is to put on tracksuit pants, make sure the cat doesn't run out and concentrate on the words in my book.
the cold now still brings me back to reality. and though i can't say it is a friend, or even familiar, i'm grateful for its presence.