backstreet boys and nihilism
i'm a horrible singer - i've been told that any number of times by any number of people. but it doesn't stop me from trying to hit notes that come out like my cat complaining when i pick her up.
occasionally at work i'll sort the post in the morning or count the till in the afternoon or come in on a sunday to catch up on emails, and crank 'backstreet's back' or 'i want it that way.' i always try to nail that second 'desire' line.
desire. i had little in the past with my alexithymia. music - played loudly through headphones - helped me to at least vent, but i was still out of touch with most of my emotions.
on a silent day at home - sunbeam warming my legs on the couch while i surfed online - i came across a pdf of ‘meditations’.
i immediately embraced stoicism, thinking that i could control the emotions that i couldn’t even identify, let alone feel. though it calmed me down inwardly, i remained uptight on the outside.
through learning more about stoicism, i naturally came across other philosophies - and eventually, nihilism. it intrigued me mostly because other schools of thought would endlessly debate the merits of nihilism, often attacking it with memes like the one at the end of this post.
i read ‘beyond good and evil’ and enjoyed the self-referential awareness of nietzsche's anti-philosopher.
i began to realize that we don't always need to be one fixed persona to the world - stranded in an absolute. i started to allow my emotional cracks to show in public. i became vulnerable.
now i share embarrassing stories with new friends, i laugh easier, i sing millennial boy band songs at work at the top of my lungs - badly.
