what's the absence of push
there’s a woman i’ve loved for years. she hated being pushed. i was pushy. we drove each other mad.
i’m writing in the past tense because i think, alongside me becoming more chilled out and accepting, she may have also softened her definition of what it means to feel pressured.
this absence of pushing people and situations is disarming - just sitting, letting myself drift in the currents of the cosmos.
and what’s harder is to stop myself from struggling upstream.
that’s what this blog is about - being less of a prick, grieving a lost life where i behaved badly. that pressure that used to pour out of me, catching everyone in my melancholic, insecure vortex.
someone once told me to sit for four hours and do nothing - not even take a drink of water. it was one of the most confronting experiences of my life - starting with a crooked book on the shelf in the corner of my eye, ending in unexpected liberation.
that feeling that everything will work out carried me on well. my sweetest memory of her came just before we saw each other for the last time.
i lifted my arm to offer a hug. she slid under it, snuggling in for a moment.
it was the most romantic moment of my life. i want it again. i just hope i can continue to go with the flow.